"B." That is what I'm calling you right now, because I know not your name, your gender, your face even. Not the color of your hair or the sound of your breath or even your heartbeat yet, but I simply know you exist. You are just a ball of cells at the moment. No, that is not what the B is for silly! I'd rather the B stand for "Baby" than ball or blastocyst or the like, even if it is what you are right now. Baby. The word is so strange, so foreign to me. Almost hard to say now that it's real. But it is real. I found out just a few days ago, July 26th to be exact. I had a negative pregnancy test two days before that, so I was certain you weren't really here yet. But then on that Thursday morning, a faint second line began to appear and thoughts began flooding my mind...
No way! I didn't do the test correctly. It couldn't be! It is! Oh my goodness! Oh MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS! Hee hee! (Laughter and giggles and a HUGE smile from ear to ear...quietly of course as your father sleeps just passed the bathroom door.) I try to whisper-squeal if you can imagine such a thing. This is SO exciting. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Holy cow. I'm going to have a baby...Wait-I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY! Holy shit, I'm pregnant! Holy Shit! We did it!
Should I tell your father right now? No-I better wait. A few minutes before I rush off to the one workday of my summer is not the way to do it. I better wait until this afternoon when there is more time to digest it all.
I hop in the shower, still overcome with excitement, joy, worry, fear, awe--just a few emotions I'll bother to name. I instantly pray. I tell the Lord I am in awe of Him. I have been praying for you, for just a short amount of time and I didn't think I would get to have you for at least a few months, maybe a year, maybe even never, but you are here. I ask him to protect you and to help me with all these emotions I am feeling, mostly fear and amazement. I ask him to prepare your father's heart for the news this afternoon. I am scared for that. Maybe I will wait until tomorrow to tell him.
I go about my day and am continuously drifting in my thoughts, unable to concentrate on our school improvement plan and goals for the upcoming school year. I could care less. All I want to do is tell your dad and watch the reaction on his face or call your grandma and listen to her cry about it. I want to tell everyone, but I can't. So I can't concentrate. No one knows about you, but me and God.
The meeting is finally over and I run to a local cupcakery...I decided long before the positive test that this would be a cute way to tell your dad about you: I bring him home a delicious beautiful cupcake accompanied by a card with a picture of a cupcake and inside I write: "Suprise! Soon we will have a little 'cupcake' of our own! Love, Stef." He opens it and reads. His brow scrunches and almost frowns. He begins to turn his head toward me and says "What? Is this? Yeah right..What is this?" Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for, but one I can't say I didn't expect. "I took a test this morning. Don't believe me? I'll go get it." Your dad clarifies that I took "only one test," as if more than one would make it more valid. I show him and he smiles big, but there is fear and confusion behind his eyes. Immediately he starts telling Mabel and Delilah that he's sorry and feels bad for them that they will no longer be the center of our attention. Really? You aren't hugging me and saying "Hooray! We did it!"??? Again, not the reaction I was hoping for.
Your father will come around. I know this because I have been his other half for 12 years and I know him well. He will take a longer time to accept you as real, to feel ready to be your father, to fall in love with you. But he will. And I think he is going to fall hard. When he first feels you inside of me, when he meets you for the first time, when he holds your little hand. When you tell him that you love him. Yes, he will come around. I am sure of it.
And I have some coming around of my own to do. I'll admit, just a few days and weeks ago, I was oohing and aahing at little ones, at pregnant women, wishing for me to be them. I just wanted to know what it would feel like to be pregnant. I wanted a little boy or girl to go to the park with. I wanted a little person that looks like me and your Dad. But now that it's happened, I am seeing kids screaming in the store, and parents cleaning up snot, and couples arguing over their children. I'll be honest, I am just as freaked out as your father. Do I really want this? Am I really ready to be your mom? Mom--so weird to think of myself as a mom. This is all so fast and so crazy and not totally real yet. I am sitting here writing to my future child. CRAZY! I know I am going to love you with everything I am, I am sure of it, but right now I am terrified.
Love,
Me
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