A Holiday, A Tumble, and Two Names

Dear Sweet Babies,
      Before writing this letter, I re-read my very first letter to you: the one I wrote not knowing what would lie ahead, not knowing there were two of you, the one when I was so unsure about having a baby and your father was equally unsure. Boy do I feel differently now! It was just in July, not that long ago, yet so far away, so different now from how things were. Our mindsets have changed, our behaviors are staring to change, and our desires are changing too. Over the last sixth months I have grown used to the idea of having not just one, but two babies and I am so excited to meet you. I have started imagining your little faces looking up at me and what you will each be like. I think about you when I wake up in the middle of the night and how in a few more months I will be waking up to sit with you and feed you. And I can only imagine how much I will love you. I know once I meet you face to face, I will not be able to believe that I ever doubted that this was the exact perfect plan for us, the perfect moment for each of you to come into our lives. I am falling more and more in love with each of you every day and it scares me a little because I know that this love I have for you will just increase exponentially once you arrive! The Lord has been providing everything we have needed for you and I know He will take care of all us when you are finally here.
      I have been feeling you more and more these days and Daddy can now feel you very easily too! Sometimes I don't know who is doing the kicking or if you are both kicking each other, but it has been truly amazing to feel all of your movements. It still catches me off guard and surprises me sometimes.
     Christmas was a few days ago and we were home to see all your family members who are getting excited for your arrival. My high school friends also threw me a shower and gave us some gifts for each of you. Everyone has been talking about you and when you will come and what you will each be like. We all reminisced about next Christmas when you will be crawling and interacting with us and how fun it will be. Your cousin Harison is getting bigger every week and he will be fun to play with next Christmas as well.
    Overall, we had a wonderful holiday, except for one minor accident. Your Mama took a pretty hard fall down the stairs. It was really scary! You see, my feet and ankles were super swollen so I bought these compression socks that are more like nylon stockings to help with swelling. Well, the socks are really slippery and as I was walking down Mammy's stairs, I lost traction and my feet just flew right up from underneath me and I slammed onto the stair and slid down the rest of the way. I was in a lot of pain, but mostly I was full of fear that you two weren't okay. I immediately burst into tears and sat on my hands and knees groaning in pain. Your dad was right behind me and saw the whole thing. His arms were full and since I was in front of him, he couldn't catch me, but he said he knew you were fine since I fell on my back and not anywhere near my belly. My back is still healing, but is much better now. I was so worried because though you were moving, neither of you were as active as you had been during that night. I am sorry if I scared you and I have since been much more careful walking in general, especially up and down stairs. I know now you are both okay though and I am so so thankful! I have been feeling so much movement from each of you, which I am enjoying very much.
      Over the holiday, I also had a chance to go pick out some things for your room with Auntie Tabitha. She is making you curtains and bed skirts and pillows. Your room is going to be beautiful and I can't wait until it is finished to show everyone!
     Your dad and I are getting more excited each week and are feeling more ready for you as time goes on. My belly is getting bigger and bigger and I am sure you are each going to run out of space soon. Right now I can tell you keep changing positions and have moved closer to each other. Get ready, because it's going to get tighter and closer soon! Your growing has slowed down a little bit over the last few weeks as my belly isn't increasing in size quite as fast and I haven't gained weight for a couple weeks. It's pretty crazy that we may get to meet you in just 10 weeks. But I'm hoping you wait until 37 or 38 weeks to arrive which would be right around spring break time. That would be perfect! Stay in there as long as you can and be nice to one another. And know that your Mama is uncomfortable too! We will all hang in there though! We can do it!
   And now, for the BIG NEWS! Your father and I have decided on your names. We have known for a while, but couldn't say they were final until just recently. It is a lot of responsibility to chose a name for someone. It will be your name for your entire life and be part of what makes you, you. We are still making sure we like the middle names we are thinking of, so for now I will just share your first names. My little man, you will be named Benjamin after your great, great grandfather, which is also your dad's middle name. And little girl, you will be called Eleanor. I hope you like them as much as we do! We love you and we are working on getting everything ready for your arrival! Muah! Give each other a hug for me.
Love,
Your Grateful Mama

To My Son and My Daughter...

Dear Baby Boy and Baby Girl,
         Yesterday was your reveal party. So many people came to celebrate with your Mom and Dad as we learned if you were boys, girls, or one of each. The decorations and food looked wonderful and everyone recorded their guess of what they thought you would be. We had a giant box filled with balloons, one side of the box for each of you. Everyone was dying to know and the anticipation had been building all week long.
         On Tuesday, we enjoyed our almost 2 hour ultrasound appointment and getting to ooh and ahh over your digits, limbs, four-chambered hearts, and even your faces. Baby Boy, you were kicking your poor sister who eventually put her hand up to shield her face from your tiny, rambunxious feet. Now I know that you are the active one, while your sister is more reserved. I appreciate that Little Girl, as you are growing very close to my stomach and my lungs, so thank you for holding your kicks back or keeping them very soft. We had so much fun watching you both together and seeing how wonderfully you are developing. We get to peek at you some more in just another month!
         Back to the reveal party...
         We first had to cut through all the tape on the box (a lovely box which your Auntie Tab made by the way for your cousin Harison) which made everyone crazy since they had to wait even longer. Then we prepared to open Baby A's side...and.....BLUE balloons! Your father thrust his fists into the air with happiness! I knew one of you was a boy! But I had thought Baby B was a boy. Now I knew who all the kicking was coming from. My little boy--Baby A!
        Next was Baby B's side....our last chance for a girl. If there was blue, that meant all boy cousins in the Rittner family for the second generation in a row. If there was pink, that meant the first girl on the Rittner side in over 60 years and some very excited grandparents and great grandparents. I started preparing myself for blue balloons for some reason, but slowly as we opened the second side of the box, pink and white polka-dots began to emerge. I barely had digested the news and let it sink in enough to get really excited, when your Auntie Kristina came screaming and jumping to hug me! She was so so excited because she knew that your Dad and I had recieved exactly what we wanted: one boy and one girl. Tears had started to form in my eyes before the pink balloons could even come all the way out of the box, but your Auntie's excitement engulfed me in a giant hug before I could start crying. Again your father fist pumped as the crowd went wild and cheered for each of you!
        Our party was so fun and there were so many people who came to celebrate. You are so loved and people are so excited to meet you. Your Dad and I are thrilled to know that we have both a boy and a girl on the way. We are working on picking out your names. This is something I have always worried I would stress over and obsess over, but I think we have it narrowed down to just a few and will be making a decision soon. You have made us so so happy! We love you so very much!

Love,
Your Very Excited Mom

      

The First Real Kick!

Hello Babies!
        We have less than a week until Daddy and I find out what each of you are! We are getting very excited. In fact, we are so excited that we decided to have a big party this weekend to find out with everyone else. All of our family members and friends will be there to celebrate with us. We will be happy no matter what you are, but it will be exciting to know something new about what makes each of you, YOU!
        This week I have started feeling you more and more. Baby A, I don't know if you are more active than your sibling, but I feel you the most. Baby B, I have finally recieved a few little movements from you, which made me feel glad to know you are doing okay in there! Last Tuesday, I was having a horrible day. I was tired, I was stressed, and I was sick of working. I came home after fighting tears all day long. I was done. I went to bed very early and just layed there holding my belly, wondering how I was going to get up and go to work the next day, wondering how I was going to keep going. I started talking to you and I asked you for a favor for your Mama. You don't remember and you could probably barely hear me, but I said, "Please, can't you give me just a little something? A kick or a punch, something distinct, so I know you are there and so I can go to sleep and get up and face another day?" I sighed a big sigh and lay there in the dark for another five minutes....until...POW! A distinct kick was felt both inside and out in my lower belly. I immediately responded with a GASP! followed by a rush of tears of joy. They trickled down my cheeks as I prayed and thanked the Lord. I was able to settle down and ignore my current stresses of the day to fall asleep fast. Ahh.
          That was a few days ago. Now I am feeling both of you even more and loving every minute of it. I get to "see" you again on Tuesday and learn more about how you are doing. I am getting bigger and bigger and more and more uncomfortable. Something that has come as a surprise, but makes sense being that there are two of you taking up space in my short, petite body. I have been a little worried that I am having some early contractions this week though. Just remember, you have quite some time to keep growing and getting better. Stay in there as long as you can and be nice to each other. Mama needs to keep working and getting ready for you. Daddy is working on the basement so we can move everything out of your room and make it pretty for you. I love you both and I can't wait to learn your genders on Saturday!

Love Always,
Your Mama

Dear Baby A and Baby B...

Dear Babies,
   Yes-that's plural-babIES! We were shocked to find out last Thursday (on 10-11-12) that there is not one baby inside my belly, but TWO! This whole time I have been writing to two babies, yet I didn't know it! I guess I am going to have to change the whole title of this blog even! And pretty soon, I will have to start writing you separate, individual letters.
   So there we were sitting in the ultrasound room, waiting anxiously to know if there was something wrong, if there was more than one baby, or if I was just one large pregnant lady with one big baby in my belly. But sure enough, two circles appeared on the screen--your two heads side by side! We were shocked, excited, and overwhelmed all at the same time. I immediately began to cry with relief, that there wasn't anything wrong after several days of worrying. But there were also fearful tears because I wasn't sure if I could be a good enough Mama to two babies at the same time. Some big questions flooded my mind: How will we afford two children when we aren't really financially ready for one? What is going to happen to my body in the next few months? When will you both be here? Are you going to be okay? Will you need special care in the NICU? Are you fraternal or identical? Are you boys, girls, or one of each? Why has God chosen me to carry two? And the list goes on and on and on...
    I go back to the feelings and emotions I experienced when first finding out that I was pregnant. They all came rushing back, but in an amplified version. I was happy and sad at the same time, in fact I was laughing while crying, probably appearing to be some kind of crazy to our ultrasound tech. I was elated but terrified of this unknown territory we were now entering. And I was simply amazed. I had asked the Lord to provide me with a baby. I had worried that He would not. I had wondered if my body would work when we tried to conceive. I had questioned whether or not I deserved to be a mother. And here, now, my prayers had been answered in such a BIG, BIG way. It was as if the Lord had wanted to get across to me, "Hey Stef? What do you think now? You still worried? You still think I won't provide? Do you still wonder if I was listening to your prayers? Well, check this out!" I couldn't help but be fearful, but I had to keep in mind how special and wonderful this all was. You two are little miracles.
    Your Dad and I were in such awe that we had to let it sink in before we called everyone else. We went out to celebrate, me with a hot cocoa and your father with a good beer. We were going to try to keep this news a surprise for a bit, but we just couldn't contain ourselves. Our family was super excited to hear about you. They had been waiting for us to have a child for a long time and now they had twice the blessings! I went to work the next day and showed our sonogram to everyone at my school. My coworkers laughed, screamed, and even cried with joy for me. And you are a legend with all the students for sure.
      Friday was a really fun day.

      Then reality hit.
      Saturday came and I felt tired and emotional.
      Sunday came and it got worse.
      I had a super busy week ahead at work and we had spent a lot of time with family who had opinions, ideas, and lots of emotions too. By Sunday, I had let all my fears and doubts take over and I was a wreck.
     Thankfully, after many tears and many prayers, I snapped out of it. I needed to rely on my Maker, my Father, my God. He had faithfully answered my prayers and then some. He had allowed you two to develop and grow into two healthy babies in my womb. He had protected you and protected me for all of this time. He will provide us the financial means necessary to care for you. He will give us the emotional capacity to be strong parents. And He will take care of all of us. I know that this is a test for your mother and your father to truly trust in the Lord and look only to Him alone for our needs.
     Now, I feel so honored that I was chosen to be your mother. I don't feel adequate or ready or deserving, which is why I also feel so very special. Some women never get to carry their own children. Some women lose the ones they conceive. And some women only get to have one. I have two. Some women sit in sorrow asking, "Why? Why me?" I sit in amazement and gratitude also asking "Why? Why me?"
   Why would the Lord allow me to be blessed by two wonderful miracles? I don't know the answer to that yet, but I feel so very loved by Him and I am so very blessed. I have every reason to trust the Lord with you. If fact, you are not truly mine or your father's. You are the Lord's and He is simply entrusting us with the job of raising and caring for you. And I am honored. I love you--both of you--so much already.

Love,
Your Proud Mama

Baby Rittner, Meet Baby Rittner!

Hey Baby,
  Yesterday was an exciting day for your Dad and I! Actually, for the whole family. Your cousin, Harison William Rittner was born around 8:40 in the morning. Your Uncle Michael and Auntie Tab are very proud parents and boy is your cousin a cutie! I know you two are going to be very good friends someday. Seeing Harison and meeting him made me so excited for the day when we finally get to meet you.  It is also a little scary because I know that day will come very, very quick! In a little less than six months, we too will be holding our little bundle. We are going to get to peek at you for the first time this afternoon! I am anxious to know if everything is doing okay in there. My uterus is measuring very large and it has felt very heavy and uncomfortable with lots of stretching. My stomach has been acting up and eating has been difficult lately. I would finally be feeling so much better, but now my digestion has really taken a backseat to YOU! It's okay though, as long as you are doing just fine. We heard your strong, solid, beating heart again on Tuesday which gives me a little relief. I hope I get to feel you move and kick soon. Sometimes I think it's you, but then I am not sure. Feel free to stretch out and move around while you can. Keep growing and enjoy how cozy you are for now. It won't be long before you are feeling a little scrunched! I love you and can't wait to "see" you today!

Love,
Your Mom

Your Heartbeat Made Ours Beat Faster...

Hey Baby,                                                                                                    Sept. 10th, 2012
     Wow! YOU made my day today! It was my first check up and after a long appointment with lots of boring talking and information, the midwife finally got out the fetal Doppler. I was so worried that we might not get to hear you today and then I would worry and have to wait to find out if you were okay. But sure enough, as soon as she laid the Doppler on my belly, we could hear you loud and clear! Your father's face was full of surprise and excitement! He was shocked that you were right there, so alive, with such a strong beating heart. I was ecstatic and just so relieved that you seem to be doing just fine in there. I have been praising the Lord and feeling so thankful and so blessed! What a wonderful gift He has given to me. We recorded your heartbeat so we can play it over and over again. The beats got faster once we started taping. Maybe you are camera shy, or maybe you were showing off for us. The recording is my favorite sound right now. This will be the gem that gets me through the next few weeks of nausea and discomfort. Supposedly I should feel much better in a couple of weeks. Today was so refreshing and made all this icky stuff so worth it. I am so glad you are healthy and hopefully happy as you grow and develop. Today made everything seem that much more real. I can't wait to meet you and I can't wait to find out if you are a boy or a girl. I am going to tell the rest of our family and many of my friends about you this week. I have been wondering and listening and feeling for you. I know it will be several weeks before I can really feel you move, but it will be soon! That is going to be simply amazing. Thanks for all the excitement today!

Love,
Your Mommy

I Love You, But You Make Me Sick

Dear Baby,                                                                                                                   Sept.1, 2012
          Hi. It's been a while since I last wrote to you. I have had lots of things to say and I wanted to write sooner, but I have been very sick. I am in my ninth week of pregnancy, which means you are seven weeks old. You are so much more than a ball of cells now. In fact you graduated from blastocyst, to embryo, and now to a fetus. You have the makings of everything you need to survive including a beating heart, a brain, some other major organs, and  little buds that will grow into your feet and legs, hands and arms. You are about the size of an olive, many times bigger than when you started. I hope you are feeling great, because I am not.
         Each day I start out by getting up to pee, then hurrying to turn and throw up over and over again. I rush to eat something to ease the nausea and to keep from throwing up more bile. All day I am plaqued by smells of food cooking, students at school, or exhaust from cars on the road. The smells seem so strong and so unbearable when you're already super nauseous. My skin looks worse than it did when I went through puberty in high school and nothing I use helps. If it dries up the acne then it dries up my whole face into a flaky mess and if I use more sensitve products, more zits pop up here and there. I feel ugly and fat and tired looking and I can no longer wear the cute things in my closet. I haven't pooped on my own for several weeks now. I have to use all kinds of wonderful methods just to pop out a few litttle hard pellets. Lovely.
     Why am I telling you this? I'm sure in your head you are thinking, "Eew, MOM, c'mon!" You are old enough now (if you are reading this yourself) to handle the cold hard truth. I want you to have this information not just to share with you the sacrifices I've made for you, but for when you decide to have children of your own. Your father and I waited for almost seven years and though we love you with our whole hearts, we are sure glad we waited. Parenthood is no walk in the park, even before your child has entered the world. It is still so amazing to me that you,right now, at just the size of a green olive, can cause so many changes in my body and in turn in my day to day life. This is the beginning of putting you before myself. My needs and wants are no longer what is most important in my life. I am responsible for caring for you and you need me to survive. That is SCARY! I thought I would have more time to adjust to the sacrifices of parenting but it starts pretty much right from the get go. Yes, there is still time to prepare and for now I can decide for the most part when I go to bed and when I get up. But, I am already in the process of letting go a little bit of me to make room for a whole lot of you.
     Next week, I will hopefully get to hear your little heartbeat. Please be in a good position so we can hear you! It would really cheer me up and make all of this icky stuff feel easier. I love you.

Love,
Mom

The First Letter

Dear B,
  "B." That is what I'm calling you right now, because I know not your name, your gender, your face even. Not the color of your hair or the sound of your breath or even your heartbeat yet, but I simply know you exist. You are just a ball of cells at the moment. No, that is not what the B is for silly! I'd rather the B stand for "Baby" than ball or blastocyst or the like, even if it is what you are right now. Baby. The word is so strange, so foreign to me. Almost hard to say now that it's real. But it is real. I found out just a few days ago, July 26th to be exact. I had a negative pregnancy test two days before that, so I was certain you weren't really here yet. But then on that Thursday morning, a faint second line began to appear and thoughts began flooding my mind...

   No way! I didn't do the test correctly. It couldn't be! It is! Oh my goodness! Oh MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS! Hee hee! (Laughter and giggles and a HUGE smile from ear to ear...quietly of course as your father sleeps just passed the bathroom door.) I try to whisper-squeal if you can imagine such a thing. This is SO exciting. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Holy cow. I'm going to have a baby...Wait-I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY! Holy shit, I'm pregnant! Holy Shit! We did it!
Should I tell your father right now? No-I better wait. A few minutes before I rush off to the one workday of my summer is not the way to do it. I better wait until this afternoon when there is more time to digest it all.

    I hop in the shower, still overcome with excitement, joy, worry, fear, awe--just a few emotions I'll bother to name. I instantly pray. I tell the Lord I am in awe of Him. I have been praying for you, for just a short amount of time and I didn't think I would get to have you for at least a few months, maybe a year, maybe even never, but you are here. I ask him to protect you and to help me with all these emotions I am feeling, mostly fear and amazement. I ask him to prepare your father's heart for the news this afternoon. I am scared for that. Maybe I will wait until tomorrow to tell him.

  I go about my day and am continuously drifting in my thoughts, unable to concentrate on our school improvement plan and goals for the upcoming school year. I could care less. All I want to do is tell your dad and watch the reaction on his face or call your grandma and listen to her cry about it. I want to tell everyone, but I can't. So I can't concentrate. No one knows about you, but me and God.

 The meeting is finally over and I run to a local cupcakery...I decided long before the positive test that this would be a cute way to tell your dad about you: I bring him home a delicious beautiful cupcake accompanied by a card with a picture of a cupcake and inside I write: "Suprise! Soon we will have a little 'cupcake' of our own! Love, Stef." He opens it and reads. His brow scrunches and almost frowns. He begins to turn his head toward me and says "What? Is this? Yeah right..What is this?" Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for, but one I can't say I didn't expect. "I took a test this morning. Don't believe me? I'll go get it." Your dad clarifies that I took "only one test," as if more than one would make it more valid. I show him and he smiles big, but there is fear and confusion behind his eyes. Immediately he starts telling Mabel and Delilah that he's sorry and feels bad for them that they will no longer be the center of our attention. Really? You aren't hugging me and saying "Hooray! We did it!"??? Again, not the reaction I was hoping for.

Your father will come around. I know this because I have been his other half for 12 years and I know him well. He will take a longer time to accept you as real, to feel ready to be your father, to fall in love with you. But he will. And I think he is going to fall hard. When he first feels you inside of me, when he meets you for the first time, when he holds your little hand. When you tell him that you love him. Yes, he will come around. I am sure of it.

And I have some coming around of my own to do. I'll admit, just a few days and weeks ago, I was oohing and aahing at little ones, at pregnant women, wishing for me to be them. I just wanted to know what it would feel like to be pregnant. I wanted a little boy or girl to go to the park with. I wanted a little person that looks like me and your Dad. But now that it's happened, I am seeing kids screaming in the store, and parents cleaning up snot, and couples arguing over their children. I'll be honest, I am just as freaked out as your father. Do I really want this? Am I really ready to be your mom? Mom--so weird to think of myself as a mom. This is all so fast and so crazy and not totally real yet. I am sitting here writing to my future child. CRAZY! I know I am going to love you with everything I am, I am sure of it, but right now I am terrified.

                                                                                                                                        Love,

Me