Hello Sweethearts,
You are now eight months old. That is how incredibly fast this is going. Just yesterday you were sixth months and I was going to write another letter about all your developmental milestones. At least by seven months. But here we are. I hate it. I hate how fast things are going. How quickly you are changing. How big you seem and how much older you are both looking. It makes me a little sad.
But I can't waste time being sad about this because you are SO SO FUN and you make me SO SO HAPPY! You guys just keep getting cuter and cuter every day. And even though each day makes you further away from those tiny little NICU babies you not so long ago were, it is more fun than the next day. You are both changing so much. Benjamin, you are ready to take off! You are crawling-with little belly breaks in between scoots-but you want to go places. You roll and scoot and crawl and rock and you are all over the place. Luckily you don't leave rooms yet or go up stairs. You are happy in a small space as long as you have things to explore. Eleanor, you are so content just sitting in the same spot for long periods of time. You will just look around and hold objects in your hand, put them to your mouth, look around some more, and then find a new object. You are each very different from one another and very special in your own way, but equally adorable.
This month we found a nanny. Her name is Stacie and she knows all about twins. She is going to be great and I think you will both really like her. Your mom spent a lot of time looking for the perfect nanny. I am nervous about leaving you, but Stacie seems to really get twins and really know a lot about babies. Brynn will watch you on the other two days. I can't believe we have just two more months together at home. I am going to be so so sad when I go back to work. I know I did it before, but you were so little then and didn't do much. And you were a lot of work! Now you are so fun and easy and cute. I will miss all of our play time and smiles. I want to be really careful with these next two months and spend them doing fun things together and being really, really present with each of you.
I love you both more than I ever thought I would. I'm understanding now why people have lots of kids and why they say it is all worth it. You have blessed my life more than I ever imagined.
With all my love,
Mom
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Stop Right Here!
Hey BE,
Six months. Just like that. Pretty hard to grasp.
Everyone said it would be like this and I knew it would, but it makes me sad that they were right. I tried so so hard to savor it all, to remember every little bit, to hold on to each moment so I wouldn't forget. But I am already forgetting...
I know now what other parents of twins meant when they would say that the beginning would all be a blur. I believed them and it was exactly that: a blur. I just didn't expect "the beginning" to mean the first six months (or perhaps even longer). I know that every new parent must survive several weeks or even a few months of sleep-deprived busy baby care that ends up feeling like a whirlwind but not six months. But here I am just finally coming up for air, finally able to keep my head above water long enough to take a big full breath.
At the beginning of the summer I was finishing up teaching for the school year, we took a wonderful trip to California, and you were stretching your sleeping at night. I thought we were going to have the best summer. I thought you were going to sleep through the night. I thought everything was going to get easier. Then June was here and I was caring for you all by myself. Your grandma wasn't staying here anymore since I was no longer working and your Dad got busy with work. Suddenly I found myself all alone trying to keep you on a schedule and manage the house and two dogs. You were no longer newborns and you were awake more and sleeping less and needing a lot more of me entertaining you. Then things got really crazy.
Some days you were on complete opposite schedules and Mommy never got a break. Other days you were both sleeping well but then you would just eat and eat and eat. You started waking up at night...and at DIFFERENT times...and way more than once. Eleanor, you had been sleeping through the night and now you were waking up around 2 am playing while Benjamin, you woke up 3 to 4 times crying and crying about who knows what. Sometimes I was pumping, holding a baby, and holding a bottle for another baby. And at least two out of three of us were crying. I was exhausted. Being up all night and then having no naps or real breaks during the day quickly took its toll on me. I read the books. I tried plenty of things. They didn't work. I fell apart.
I found myself unhappy, resentful, and so very tired.
My milk supply kept decreasing. I was trying to figure out the best way to feed you and would work on breast feeding here and there but I was a slave to the pump. I would spend 30-45 minutes pumping when you were finally sleeping or while you were watching a Baby Einstein's or sometimes through more crying. And less and less was pumping out. I couldn't keep up with the housework or the bottle cleaning or with you for that matter while spending all this time pumping my brains out. My stress levels rose and my milk supply tanked. It just wasn't working. It was making us all crazy. Soon my freezer supply was completely out. I was devastated. I did not want to use formula. I did not want to give up.
There was lots of crying. You would both cry off and on from being tired, from waiting on each other to be fed, from not being able to be held, from being hungry. And Mama was crying too. Crying a lot. I felt so bad for having to make you wait and for all your crying. Oh, there were so many tears.
I found myself thinking..."If only you were born a few years apart..." "If only I had one baby..." "How easy everyone else has it..nobody knows what I am going through." "If only you would breastfeed..." "If only my milk supply was better..." "If only I didn't have to pump for so long..." "If only you would sleep...or take naps...or stop crying...." "If only I had four arms...." IF ONLY, IF ONLY, IF ONLY...
The first week of school came and it was one of our worst weeks ever. It was my first week not teaching. We were stuck in the house because it was SUPER hot out, you were both cranky and hungry, and there wasn't enough milk, and there wasn't enough sleep, and there wasn't enough happiness. I became very sad and I wondered..."Should I really be home? Should I be working right now? Would someone else be handling this better?" Well then what came next? Guilt...self-loathing...despair...Flashing red lights blinking the word "FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE!"
Something had to give. Either I need more sleep or less stress or help or something, but it had to change. This is NOT the kind of Mom I was supposed to be. I was so anxious and upset that I think I made you upset also.
So I prayed. I asked the Lord for strength, wisdom, appreciation, sleep, etc. And the answer came. Everyone around me told me to just STOP. The Lord asked me to trust Him. To let it go. To stop trying to control things I couldn't control like your sleep patterns and my milk supply. So after struggling and being stubborn for way too long, I decided to just STOP. I would stop complaining. I would stop wishing for something different. I would stop feeling sorry for myself. I would stop pumping so much. I would stop worrying. I would stop being stuck at home. I would stop dreaming about a perfectly clean house. I would stop looking backwards and missing when you were little or when you would sleep all day. I would stop looking forwards and wishing for you to sit and play or to sleep through the night. I would stop right here. I would stop at NOW and TODAY and ENJOY you both! I had said enough times how unfair and hard this all was. This is where it got me: at six months and not remembering all the wonderful things I had enjoyed about my children. I had to stop this nonsense or I might miss everything.
So yeah, there might be days where there is dog hair EVERYWHERE because I didn't get to vacuum for the second week in a row. And sometimes there are going to be dishes piled in the sink driving me BONKERS because one of you started crying while I was trying to clean them. And so what? I may have to give you a little bit of formula here and there because I can't keep up with my little piggies. Big deal. And there are going to be days where we aren't on a perfect schedule, or even a schedule at all. There will be interrupted naps and long bouts of crying and busy baby care that feels completely ridiculous at times, but that's okay. Life will go on...In fact it will go much more quickly than we would like it to go.
I have been here, present with you every day for the last six months and yet I don't know how we got here. It's like when you are driving somewhere and you get lost in thought and then you see a stop sign and realize "How did I get here?" You don't remember the last few miles. Your eyes were open and you were watching the road the whole time but you didn't see any of it. That is how I feel now. I don't remember big chunks of our time together. I have just been surviving the day to day, in the trenches of motherhood. But that is an awful way to describe to my children the beginning of their lives...or to describe motherhood to anyone for that matter. I don't want to simply survive the day to day. I want to enjoy you both. Savor you. Drink in every little sound and smile and milestone met. Remember every little bit of you each. I don't know yet if you will be my only children, but I might never get this time again and I definitely won't ever have it again with YOU. I don't want to waste any more time. I don't want to get to any more stop signs and realize that I haven't seen the last few miles.
Benjamin and Eleanor, I love you so incredibly much. It amazes me how this love just keeps digging deeper and deeper into my core and expands my soul. You both are truly a blessing and since I stopped freaking out about all these silly things that really don't matter, we've all been a lot happier.
And guess what? You are sleeping better at night. You are taking wonderful two hour naps. You are not crying much during the day or at all when it's time for bed. You are breastfeeding. My supply is up! The dog hair has been swept up! The dishes are put away. You are fun and smiley and silly and we are having a blast!
So here is my first official apology and my first big lesson to teach you. I am so sorry for missing what was important some days. I am sorry for trying too hard to figure it all out. I am sorry for not letting things go that I could not control. I am sorry if you were sad or unhappy because I was sad or unhappy. I promise to stop worrying so much about the future and to let go of my mistakes in the past. We will stop right here and just be HERE. TODAY. And today I am filled with so much love and so much joy because of each of you. You are scrumptious in every way. Your smiles light up my whole day and your little voices make my heart flutter. I really am so very blessed and I am so in love and nothing else really matters. Remember dear children to be present. When you are grown up, don't forget to stop, to take it all in. Don't miss out on what is right in front of you. Don't ignore the lessons God is teaching you at that moment. See what matters and focus on that the most.
Now I wish I could make you stop. Keep you as your little sixth month selves forever. I will have to tell you all about the great things you are doing this month in another letter because I really must get to bed. I will see you soon, probably in the middle of the night or the early morning. And I will be happy to see you, right here, exactly where you are.
Love you,
Mom
Six months. Just like that. Pretty hard to grasp.
Everyone said it would be like this and I knew it would, but it makes me sad that they were right. I tried so so hard to savor it all, to remember every little bit, to hold on to each moment so I wouldn't forget. But I am already forgetting...
I know now what other parents of twins meant when they would say that the beginning would all be a blur. I believed them and it was exactly that: a blur. I just didn't expect "the beginning" to mean the first six months (or perhaps even longer). I know that every new parent must survive several weeks or even a few months of sleep-deprived busy baby care that ends up feeling like a whirlwind but not six months. But here I am just finally coming up for air, finally able to keep my head above water long enough to take a big full breath.
At the beginning of the summer I was finishing up teaching for the school year, we took a wonderful trip to California, and you were stretching your sleeping at night. I thought we were going to have the best summer. I thought you were going to sleep through the night. I thought everything was going to get easier. Then June was here and I was caring for you all by myself. Your grandma wasn't staying here anymore since I was no longer working and your Dad got busy with work. Suddenly I found myself all alone trying to keep you on a schedule and manage the house and two dogs. You were no longer newborns and you were awake more and sleeping less and needing a lot more of me entertaining you. Then things got really crazy.
Some days you were on complete opposite schedules and Mommy never got a break. Other days you were both sleeping well but then you would just eat and eat and eat. You started waking up at night...and at DIFFERENT times...and way more than once. Eleanor, you had been sleeping through the night and now you were waking up around 2 am playing while Benjamin, you woke up 3 to 4 times crying and crying about who knows what. Sometimes I was pumping, holding a baby, and holding a bottle for another baby. And at least two out of three of us were crying. I was exhausted. Being up all night and then having no naps or real breaks during the day quickly took its toll on me. I read the books. I tried plenty of things. They didn't work. I fell apart.
I found myself unhappy, resentful, and so very tired.
My milk supply kept decreasing. I was trying to figure out the best way to feed you and would work on breast feeding here and there but I was a slave to the pump. I would spend 30-45 minutes pumping when you were finally sleeping or while you were watching a Baby Einstein's or sometimes through more crying. And less and less was pumping out. I couldn't keep up with the housework or the bottle cleaning or with you for that matter while spending all this time pumping my brains out. My stress levels rose and my milk supply tanked. It just wasn't working. It was making us all crazy. Soon my freezer supply was completely out. I was devastated. I did not want to use formula. I did not want to give up.
There was lots of crying. You would both cry off and on from being tired, from waiting on each other to be fed, from not being able to be held, from being hungry. And Mama was crying too. Crying a lot. I felt so bad for having to make you wait and for all your crying. Oh, there were so many tears.
I found myself thinking..."If only you were born a few years apart..." "If only I had one baby..." "How easy everyone else has it..nobody knows what I am going through." "If only you would breastfeed..." "If only my milk supply was better..." "If only I didn't have to pump for so long..." "If only you would sleep...or take naps...or stop crying...." "If only I had four arms...." IF ONLY, IF ONLY, IF ONLY...
The first week of school came and it was one of our worst weeks ever. It was my first week not teaching. We were stuck in the house because it was SUPER hot out, you were both cranky and hungry, and there wasn't enough milk, and there wasn't enough sleep, and there wasn't enough happiness. I became very sad and I wondered..."Should I really be home? Should I be working right now? Would someone else be handling this better?" Well then what came next? Guilt...self-loathing...despair...Flashing red lights blinking the word "FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE!"
Something had to give. Either I need more sleep or less stress or help or something, but it had to change. This is NOT the kind of Mom I was supposed to be. I was so anxious and upset that I think I made you upset also.
So I prayed. I asked the Lord for strength, wisdom, appreciation, sleep, etc. And the answer came. Everyone around me told me to just STOP. The Lord asked me to trust Him. To let it go. To stop trying to control things I couldn't control like your sleep patterns and my milk supply. So after struggling and being stubborn for way too long, I decided to just STOP. I would stop complaining. I would stop wishing for something different. I would stop feeling sorry for myself. I would stop pumping so much. I would stop worrying. I would stop being stuck at home. I would stop dreaming about a perfectly clean house. I would stop looking backwards and missing when you were little or when you would sleep all day. I would stop looking forwards and wishing for you to sit and play or to sleep through the night. I would stop right here. I would stop at NOW and TODAY and ENJOY you both! I had said enough times how unfair and hard this all was. This is where it got me: at six months and not remembering all the wonderful things I had enjoyed about my children. I had to stop this nonsense or I might miss everything.
So yeah, there might be days where there is dog hair EVERYWHERE because I didn't get to vacuum for the second week in a row. And sometimes there are going to be dishes piled in the sink driving me BONKERS because one of you started crying while I was trying to clean them. And so what? I may have to give you a little bit of formula here and there because I can't keep up with my little piggies. Big deal. And there are going to be days where we aren't on a perfect schedule, or even a schedule at all. There will be interrupted naps and long bouts of crying and busy baby care that feels completely ridiculous at times, but that's okay. Life will go on...In fact it will go much more quickly than we would like it to go.
I have been here, present with you every day for the last six months and yet I don't know how we got here. It's like when you are driving somewhere and you get lost in thought and then you see a stop sign and realize "How did I get here?" You don't remember the last few miles. Your eyes were open and you were watching the road the whole time but you didn't see any of it. That is how I feel now. I don't remember big chunks of our time together. I have just been surviving the day to day, in the trenches of motherhood. But that is an awful way to describe to my children the beginning of their lives...or to describe motherhood to anyone for that matter. I don't want to simply survive the day to day. I want to enjoy you both. Savor you. Drink in every little sound and smile and milestone met. Remember every little bit of you each. I don't know yet if you will be my only children, but I might never get this time again and I definitely won't ever have it again with YOU. I don't want to waste any more time. I don't want to get to any more stop signs and realize that I haven't seen the last few miles.
Benjamin and Eleanor, I love you so incredibly much. It amazes me how this love just keeps digging deeper and deeper into my core and expands my soul. You both are truly a blessing and since I stopped freaking out about all these silly things that really don't matter, we've all been a lot happier.
And guess what? You are sleeping better at night. You are taking wonderful two hour naps. You are not crying much during the day or at all when it's time for bed. You are breastfeeding. My supply is up! The dog hair has been swept up! The dishes are put away. You are fun and smiley and silly and we are having a blast!
So here is my first official apology and my first big lesson to teach you. I am so sorry for missing what was important some days. I am sorry for trying too hard to figure it all out. I am sorry for not letting things go that I could not control. I am sorry if you were sad or unhappy because I was sad or unhappy. I promise to stop worrying so much about the future and to let go of my mistakes in the past. We will stop right here and just be HERE. TODAY. And today I am filled with so much love and so much joy because of each of you. You are scrumptious in every way. Your smiles light up my whole day and your little voices make my heart flutter. I really am so very blessed and I am so in love and nothing else really matters. Remember dear children to be present. When you are grown up, don't forget to stop, to take it all in. Don't miss out on what is right in front of you. Don't ignore the lessons God is teaching you at that moment. See what matters and focus on that the most.
Now I wish I could make you stop. Keep you as your little sixth month selves forever. I will have to tell you all about the great things you are doing this month in another letter because I really must get to bed. I will see you soon, probably in the middle of the night or the early morning. And I will be happy to see you, right here, exactly where you are.
Love you,
Mom
Sunday, July 28, 2013
One Year Later...
July 26, 2013
Dear BE,It's been exactly one year since I found out the best news of my life. It was this day last year that I woke up, peed on a stick, and saw two purple lines that made me the happiest lady in the world. It was this very day last year I brought home those cupcakes and announced to your father that we were having a baby. (Or so I thought...) Crazy.
Looking back, I can say it has been for sure the hardest year of my entire life, but also my most favorite year. Being pregnant with twins brought it's difficulties and challenges, but a lot of excitement too! I gave you both a bath the other night and was sitting on the floor outside of the tub remembering back to so many times when I was in that same bathroom lying on the floor around 5 in the morning with a huge stomach ache waiting for my next "puking rally" to begin. Tough stuff indeed. But then there was all the good stuff: telling our family about you, hearing your heartbeat, seeing the two of you on ultrasound, feeling your kicks, finding out your genders. And finally meeting each of you face to face.
Last year, I had NO idea what this day really meant or what it was going to bring about. Boy was I in for a surprise!
This morning I woke up to your sweet cooing and your smiling faces. You are both working on rolling over. You are laughing at me and at each other. You are rolling over, grabbing things and learning how to entertain yourselves. You are chubby and adorable and growing so fast. Tomorrow you will be five months already! I can't believe how fast time seems to be whizzing by.
I am enjoying each and every day with you and though it's hard work at times, I love it. And I love you both so incredibly much. You have made me the happiest Mama.
Today I feel much of the same things I did this time last year: extremely blessed and extremely happy.
I find it odd and humorous that I chose two different types of cupcakes for your dad that day in 2012. I couldn't decide between two flavors that I knew he would like. And it turns out we were having TWO little cupcakes of our own. Both ironic and delicious.
You have taught me SO much already in our short time together. Things like patience, love, gratitude, multi-tasking, and using your feet as an extra pair of hands. I have had so much fun this summer watching you grow and develop. I am excited for our future together...especially our future summers. I can't believe how incredibly cute you both are. I can't stand it! I am finally feeling like I have the hang of this twin thing too. You are getting easier to entertain and care for. And I am very lucky that I get to stay home with you for a few more months. I am not going back to work until January when you will be a little older. I just wasn't quite ready to leave you with someone else yet. We are going to have so much fun this year! I love you both more than words can explain.
With Great Joy,
Your Mama
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
The First Few Months
I am just posting this letter now, but I wrote it two or three months ago sometime in March or April. I found it in my journal where I used to log your feedings but I never typed it up. Glad we don't have to do that anymore. :)
Dear Sweet BE,
Where do I begin? The last month has been a whirlwind of sleepless nights, busy days, and lots and lots of diapers and wipes. There have been plenty of tears but also plenty of laughter. You two are making us work as parents, that's for sure. Having and caring for two babies at the same time is no easy feat. Luckily your father and I make a pretty good team, if you ask me. Well, us plus a lot of coffee.
The days (and nights) are flying by in a sleep deprived blur--much like other parents of twins said they would. I'm somewhere between asleep and awake, like I'm not really here but in a dream world. Mostly I feel out of touch with reality...maybe due to my lack of sleep, but I think also because I cannot comprehend that you are mine. And that I have not one but TWO babies.
It all seems like a blink of an eye when I look back on the last year. I remember asking your dad about having kids and praying to the Lord to bless us with a child. Then finding out I was pregnant. Finding out I was carrying two babies. Finding out you were a boy and a girl. Being HUGELY pregnant, sick, uncomfortable, having you, being in the NICU, coming home and now. It all has seemed to pass by so very, very quickly. I know I will be saying this your whole life. I can't even go that far into the future in my mind or I will lose it right now. I will burst into tears thinking about you all grown up and looking back and it feeling like now, feeling like 2 quick seconds.
As much as I love you each, caring for you has been challenging. It has required major sacrifices, extra patience, and physical and emotional energy I didn't know I was capable of having. There is a certain dying to yourself when you have children. I say this not to discourage you, or to make you feel that you owe me anything, but to share my hope that you will wait until you are truly ready to have kids before you do. It can happen so effortlessly, but once you are a parent your life is no longer your own and it will never be the same.
This letter is all piecey and lacking a focus--must be my sleep deprived brain struggling to think, write, and compose a letter with a central topic. I will leave it as is for dramatic effect.
I'm sorry to report that I must leave you during the day for the next five weeks to go back to work. I'm sure you won't know the difference, but I always planned on a maternity leave that ran into summer so I didn't have to be away while you were so little. I will think of you all day: your big eyes staring into mine, your tiny cries when it's time to eat, the cute sounds you make, and the feeling of your warm bodies next to mine. You both look so very different from that first day in the NICU. You are both close to 9 lbs now. Eleanor you are a bit bigger than Benjamin still but he is catching up. Your bellies and cheeks have fattened up, you're holding up your own heads, and I know your smiles are going to debut any day now! You are each more and more beautiful every day and I'm falling deeper in love with you by the minute.
It seems so surreal to think now to my very first letter, before I knew you. Your Daddy and I are so very blessed and very happy even though this short period of our lives is challenging us and growing us as people, as a married couple, and as parents. It's 3 something in the morning while I am finishing pumping for your next feeding. I don't really know my point or where I am going, but just that this is really hard and I really love you both. That is all for now.
Love,
Mom
Dear Sweet BE,
Where do I begin? The last month has been a whirlwind of sleepless nights, busy days, and lots and lots of diapers and wipes. There have been plenty of tears but also plenty of laughter. You two are making us work as parents, that's for sure. Having and caring for two babies at the same time is no easy feat. Luckily your father and I make a pretty good team, if you ask me. Well, us plus a lot of coffee.
The days (and nights) are flying by in a sleep deprived blur--much like other parents of twins said they would. I'm somewhere between asleep and awake, like I'm not really here but in a dream world. Mostly I feel out of touch with reality...maybe due to my lack of sleep, but I think also because I cannot comprehend that you are mine. And that I have not one but TWO babies.
It all seems like a blink of an eye when I look back on the last year. I remember asking your dad about having kids and praying to the Lord to bless us with a child. Then finding out I was pregnant. Finding out I was carrying two babies. Finding out you were a boy and a girl. Being HUGELY pregnant, sick, uncomfortable, having you, being in the NICU, coming home and now. It all has seemed to pass by so very, very quickly. I know I will be saying this your whole life. I can't even go that far into the future in my mind or I will lose it right now. I will burst into tears thinking about you all grown up and looking back and it feeling like now, feeling like 2 quick seconds.
As much as I love you each, caring for you has been challenging. It has required major sacrifices, extra patience, and physical and emotional energy I didn't know I was capable of having. There is a certain dying to yourself when you have children. I say this not to discourage you, or to make you feel that you owe me anything, but to share my hope that you will wait until you are truly ready to have kids before you do. It can happen so effortlessly, but once you are a parent your life is no longer your own and it will never be the same.
This letter is all piecey and lacking a focus--must be my sleep deprived brain struggling to think, write, and compose a letter with a central topic. I will leave it as is for dramatic effect.
I'm sorry to report that I must leave you during the day for the next five weeks to go back to work. I'm sure you won't know the difference, but I always planned on a maternity leave that ran into summer so I didn't have to be away while you were so little. I will think of you all day: your big eyes staring into mine, your tiny cries when it's time to eat, the cute sounds you make, and the feeling of your warm bodies next to mine. You both look so very different from that first day in the NICU. You are both close to 9 lbs now. Eleanor you are a bit bigger than Benjamin still but he is catching up. Your bellies and cheeks have fattened up, you're holding up your own heads, and I know your smiles are going to debut any day now! You are each more and more beautiful every day and I'm falling deeper in love with you by the minute.
It seems so surreal to think now to my very first letter, before I knew you. Your Daddy and I are so very blessed and very happy even though this short period of our lives is challenging us and growing us as people, as a married couple, and as parents. It's 3 something in the morning while I am finishing pumping for your next feeding. I don't really know my point or where I am going, but just that this is really hard and I really love you both. That is all for now.
Love,
Mom
Sunday, March 10, 2013
My Sweethearts
Dearest Eleanor and Benjamin,
You are already more than a week old--11 days to be exact. I can't believe how much has happened already in your short time here. It has been a whirlwind of emotions for your Mama.
Your birth is a little fuzzy for me, since I was on some heavy medicine and then became very sick after the c-section. I have had to ask your Dad to recall bits and pieces of your birth that I forgot during my state of nausea and drowsiness. Someday I will tell you all the gory details if you really want them and your father has a different perspective as well, but here are the most important parts that I remember.
When we arrived at the hospital your Dad and I were a little overwhelmed, a little nervous, and very emotional. Would you both be okay even though you were being delivered early? Would you be able to breathe on your own? When would we be able to take you home? How was I going to feel afterwards? I was also worried about my platelet levels and whether or not I was going to be able to witness your birth. If they were too low, I would be put to sleep while you were born, something that would have been absolutely devastating to me. Luckily the blood work came back about an hour and a half before the surgery was scheduled and the verdict was in: 90,000! Meaning I could be conscious and meet you in the OR for the first time.
Once everyone was ready and prepped, your Dad waited just outside the OR while I received a spinal, making the lower half of my body completely numb, a very strange experience indeed. While the anesthesiologist worked on getting the spinal placed, the midwife asked if I wanted some music. I suggested Mumford and Sons on Pandora. The music helped me to relax a little bit. I was nervous but was also getting so very excited. Your Dad entered the operating room and quickly they began the procedure behind the blue curtain placed in front of my massive baby-filled belly.
Your father sat close to my head, holding my hand, waiting for your arrival. The music was soft in the background but one of our favorite songs, "Ho Hey," came on just in time for your birth. Benjamin, you were the first. The doctors and nurses called out: "Baby A is out"...they held you up over the curtain for us to see and you cried out, your throat gurgling still with fluid. Immediately your Dad and I were brought to tears. A minute later we heard, "Baby B," and then we saw you Eleanor, with your arms and legs all sprawled out, your frowning face trying to cry, but only tiny squeals coming out. Daddy left my side for a bit to be with each of you and then returned. Benjamin, you pinked right up and were cleaned, bundled and later brought to us. Your Daddy held you near Mommy's head. My arms were spread out on the table with blankets on top of them and I remember feeling very frustrated that I couldn't hold you myself or touch your sweet face. I kissed your cheek as more tears ran down mine. The nurses reported that our little girl wasn't "pinking up" quite as much as her big brother. In fact, you were a little bit purple. They couldn't bring you over to meet me because you were needing some oxygen. They would wheel you past me so I could see you and then bring you to the nursery. You were in a warming bed and had an oxygen mask. I didn't get a good look at you and was disappointed. Daddy followed you with Benjamin in his arms as the nurses and doctors walked with you to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, otherwise known as the NICU. Mommy was stitched up after losing about a liter of blood and getting extremely light headed. In the recovery room I was very nauseous and even threw up a few times.
You were born at 12:40 and 12:41 in the afternoon, but I didn't really get to be with you until the evening. I was so anxious to see you both, but also nervous for the tubes and cords you were probably hooked up to. I was first wheeled down to the NICU in my hospital bed because the spinal was still wearing off in my legs. It was probably a good thing that I was a little drugged up from the pain meds, because looking back at pictures pains me. Eleanor, you had tape all over your face with breathing tubes and IVs in your hand and belly. Benjamin, you looked far better, simply due to the fact that there weren't as many cords and things hooked to your body and face. I remember crying as I touched each of your arms and heads from my bedside. I couldn't bend over and kiss you. I couldn't pick you up and hold you or nuzzle you to my chest. I was overjoyed at the birth of my beautiful children, but then saddened by the fact that I didn't feel like much of a Mommy yet. Luckily the pain medicine made me extremely drowsy and allowed me to sleep through the night.
Fast forward a week and half and here we are. You are almost 12 days old and you are both making progress. Benjamin, you graduated off of the dopamine that was regulating your blood pressure and you are feeding well. Eleanor, you have just the tiniest bit of oxygen supporting your breathing and you are starting to get the hang of nursing as well. You are both off the IVs that used to provide you with glucose and protein and you have worked the bilirubin (jaundice) out of your systems as well. You each have NG tubes that we feed you with when you are too tired to nurse or take a bottle. You are both alternating bottle feeds, breast feeding, and feeding through your tubes. The goal is to get you feeding by mouth and consistently gaining weight. Once you can do that, you will be able to come home.
Although I knew it was possible that you would be born early, I never really expected it. I didn't plan on you staying long in the NICU either. I also thought I could handle it better than I have. I have been up and down since your birth, some days appreciating the fact that I am not fully responsible yet for your care, and other days devastated that you are not at home with me to snuggle and kiss. Each day your Dad and I go back and forth to the NICU to feed you, change you, and hold you. The last few days have been extremely difficult for me and I cry just about every time I leave you or when I get home. I get up in the middle of the night and I think of you both. Your sweet faces, your tiny fingers, your dark soft hair, your little noises. I long for you desperately to be with me.
My heart has been completely filled with love, overflowing actually. I love you each so much that it hurts. I always knew I would. This was what I was afraid of. This is why I put off having children. I knew it would require strength, sacrifice, and a love so great that it was painful. You may not understand this now, but you will someday when you too have your own children.
I pray all day long that you will grow big and strong and that you will learn how to eat enough to sustain and gain weight. I pray each day that you can come home. But for now, I must wait. It is time for me to go get some rest so I can wake up and be ready to see you again. I miss you each so much and I cannot stand this separation we must endure for now. I hope you are both doing well in your little beds knowing that your Mommy is thinking of you and wishing she was right by your side every moment of every day. I love you more than you know, Eleanor and Benjamin. I'll leave you with some of the lyrics of "Ho Hey," the song that was playing when you were born. Goodnight for now my sweethearts.
Love,
Your Mommy
I’ve been trying to do it right
Benjamin Morris 4 lbs, 4oz Eleanor Sydell 4 lbs, 14 oz
You are already more than a week old--11 days to be exact. I can't believe how much has happened already in your short time here. It has been a whirlwind of emotions for your Mama.
Your birth is a little fuzzy for me, since I was on some heavy medicine and then became very sick after the c-section. I have had to ask your Dad to recall bits and pieces of your birth that I forgot during my state of nausea and drowsiness. Someday I will tell you all the gory details if you really want them and your father has a different perspective as well, but here are the most important parts that I remember.
When we arrived at the hospital your Dad and I were a little overwhelmed, a little nervous, and very emotional. Would you both be okay even though you were being delivered early? Would you be able to breathe on your own? When would we be able to take you home? How was I going to feel afterwards? I was also worried about my platelet levels and whether or not I was going to be able to witness your birth. If they were too low, I would be put to sleep while you were born, something that would have been absolutely devastating to me. Luckily the blood work came back about an hour and a half before the surgery was scheduled and the verdict was in: 90,000! Meaning I could be conscious and meet you in the OR for the first time.
Once everyone was ready and prepped, your Dad waited just outside the OR while I received a spinal, making the lower half of my body completely numb, a very strange experience indeed. While the anesthesiologist worked on getting the spinal placed, the midwife asked if I wanted some music. I suggested Mumford and Sons on Pandora. The music helped me to relax a little bit. I was nervous but was also getting so very excited. Your Dad entered the operating room and quickly they began the procedure behind the blue curtain placed in front of my massive baby-filled belly.
Your father sat close to my head, holding my hand, waiting for your arrival. The music was soft in the background but one of our favorite songs, "Ho Hey," came on just in time for your birth. Benjamin, you were the first. The doctors and nurses called out: "Baby A is out"...they held you up over the curtain for us to see and you cried out, your throat gurgling still with fluid. Immediately your Dad and I were brought to tears. A minute later we heard, "Baby B," and then we saw you Eleanor, with your arms and legs all sprawled out, your frowning face trying to cry, but only tiny squeals coming out. Daddy left my side for a bit to be with each of you and then returned. Benjamin, you pinked right up and were cleaned, bundled and later brought to us. Your Daddy held you near Mommy's head. My arms were spread out on the table with blankets on top of them and I remember feeling very frustrated that I couldn't hold you myself or touch your sweet face. I kissed your cheek as more tears ran down mine. The nurses reported that our little girl wasn't "pinking up" quite as much as her big brother. In fact, you were a little bit purple. They couldn't bring you over to meet me because you were needing some oxygen. They would wheel you past me so I could see you and then bring you to the nursery. You were in a warming bed and had an oxygen mask. I didn't get a good look at you and was disappointed. Daddy followed you with Benjamin in his arms as the nurses and doctors walked with you to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, otherwise known as the NICU. Mommy was stitched up after losing about a liter of blood and getting extremely light headed. In the recovery room I was very nauseous and even threw up a few times.
You were born at 12:40 and 12:41 in the afternoon, but I didn't really get to be with you until the evening. I was so anxious to see you both, but also nervous for the tubes and cords you were probably hooked up to. I was first wheeled down to the NICU in my hospital bed because the spinal was still wearing off in my legs. It was probably a good thing that I was a little drugged up from the pain meds, because looking back at pictures pains me. Eleanor, you had tape all over your face with breathing tubes and IVs in your hand and belly. Benjamin, you looked far better, simply due to the fact that there weren't as many cords and things hooked to your body and face. I remember crying as I touched each of your arms and heads from my bedside. I couldn't bend over and kiss you. I couldn't pick you up and hold you or nuzzle you to my chest. I was overjoyed at the birth of my beautiful children, but then saddened by the fact that I didn't feel like much of a Mommy yet. Luckily the pain medicine made me extremely drowsy and allowed me to sleep through the night.
Fast forward a week and half and here we are. You are almost 12 days old and you are both making progress. Benjamin, you graduated off of the dopamine that was regulating your blood pressure and you are feeding well. Eleanor, you have just the tiniest bit of oxygen supporting your breathing and you are starting to get the hang of nursing as well. You are both off the IVs that used to provide you with glucose and protein and you have worked the bilirubin (jaundice) out of your systems as well. You each have NG tubes that we feed you with when you are too tired to nurse or take a bottle. You are both alternating bottle feeds, breast feeding, and feeding through your tubes. The goal is to get you feeding by mouth and consistently gaining weight. Once you can do that, you will be able to come home.
Although I knew it was possible that you would be born early, I never really expected it. I didn't plan on you staying long in the NICU either. I also thought I could handle it better than I have. I have been up and down since your birth, some days appreciating the fact that I am not fully responsible yet for your care, and other days devastated that you are not at home with me to snuggle and kiss. Each day your Dad and I go back and forth to the NICU to feed you, change you, and hold you. The last few days have been extremely difficult for me and I cry just about every time I leave you or when I get home. I get up in the middle of the night and I think of you both. Your sweet faces, your tiny fingers, your dark soft hair, your little noises. I long for you desperately to be with me.
My heart has been completely filled with love, overflowing actually. I love you each so much that it hurts. I always knew I would. This was what I was afraid of. This is why I put off having children. I knew it would require strength, sacrifice, and a love so great that it was painful. You may not understand this now, but you will someday when you too have your own children.
I pray all day long that you will grow big and strong and that you will learn how to eat enough to sustain and gain weight. I pray each day that you can come home. But for now, I must wait. It is time for me to go get some rest so I can wake up and be ready to see you again. I miss you each so much and I cannot stand this separation we must endure for now. I hope you are both doing well in your little beds knowing that your Mommy is thinking of you and wishing she was right by your side every moment of every day. I love you more than you know, Eleanor and Benjamin. I'll leave you with some of the lyrics of "Ho Hey," the song that was playing when you were born. Goodnight for now my sweethearts.
Love,
Your Mommy
I’ve been trying to do it right
I’ve been living a lonely life
I’ve been sleeping here instead
I’ve been sleeping in my bed,
I’ve been sleeping in my bed
So show me family
All the blood that I will bleed
I dunno where I belong
I dunno where I went wrong,
But I can write a song
I belong with you, you belong with me
You’re my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me
You’re my sweet
Benjamin Morris 4 lbs, 4oz Eleanor Sydell 4 lbs, 14 oz
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Happy Birthday Rittner Twins!
Dearest Benjamin and Eleanor-
This will be the last letter I write to you while you are still in my womb. It is 5 am and your Mama can't sleep. Yesterday afternoon we found out you were going to be born later today. Boy has this pregnancy and this last week been one emotional roller coaster. I haven't had a chance to write and tell you how my blood work hasn't been so impressive over the last month. I had low platelets and they have been dropping slightly. The doctors have been checking my blood each week this past month and giving me IV iron drips to help with my anemia. Then just last Friday I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia, plus my platelets were still low, not to mention the extreme swelling that has been making my legs look like giant puffy tree trunks and feet that could be loafs of bread freshly baked in the oven. They were worried about the possibility of my blood pressure going up, the platelets going down, or other issues that could cause me to feel very sick and then start making you sick. We aren't going to let that happen, so instead you will be delivered by a Cesarean section some time around noon. We just found this out a little over 10 hours ago, so it's no wonder we couldn't sleep tonight.
To celebrate, we went to a fancy restaurant in town and enjoyed a big plate of calamari and each ordered our own fillet minon. It was delicious. I was so uncomfortable sitting at the table while my feet were filling up with fluid and my back was aching and my belly was getting tight. Sleeping proved to be even more uncomfortable. My body is ready for you to come out and so I hope you are ready too!
I am filled with all kinds of emotions as I write to you and I wish I had more time and energy to explain exactly how I am feeling, but I need to get ready soon to go to one last appointment and then get prepped at the hospital. I am relieved, excited, tired, terrified, nervous, and even a little disappointed that my body couldn't hang on longer. I have prayed for you both all night long and there are many family and friends who are asking God to protect you today. Even some of the nurses who know me heard that you are both coming and they are praying and rooting for you! I cannot wait to meet you later today and see each of your beautiful faces and hold you close. You are going to change your parents' lives so much, starting today. It is your birth day today and we will never forget it. Just think later today I will have you each in my arms and I will just be able to talk right to you and tell you how beautiful and wonderful you each are. Benjamin and Eleanor, I already love you so so much and your Daddy does too. He has been so sweet to your mom and to both of you tonight. I told you he would come around, remember? We are thrilled that God has blessed us with two babies and that we get to meet them on this day that He ordained as your birth! He has already written each and every one of the days of your life and you are fearfully and wonderfully made! We love you and will see you very soon! Be a good boy and girl today! Welcome to this big world of ours and happy first birthday!!!
I love you so much,
Your Very Excited and Anxious Mother
Here are my favorite verses to bless your birth today:
"The Lord bless you, and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance on you,
And give you peace."
Numbers 6:24-26
Psalms 139
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
This will be the last letter I write to you while you are still in my womb. It is 5 am and your Mama can't sleep. Yesterday afternoon we found out you were going to be born later today. Boy has this pregnancy and this last week been one emotional roller coaster. I haven't had a chance to write and tell you how my blood work hasn't been so impressive over the last month. I had low platelets and they have been dropping slightly. The doctors have been checking my blood each week this past month and giving me IV iron drips to help with my anemia. Then just last Friday I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia, plus my platelets were still low, not to mention the extreme swelling that has been making my legs look like giant puffy tree trunks and feet that could be loafs of bread freshly baked in the oven. They were worried about the possibility of my blood pressure going up, the platelets going down, or other issues that could cause me to feel very sick and then start making you sick. We aren't going to let that happen, so instead you will be delivered by a Cesarean section some time around noon. We just found this out a little over 10 hours ago, so it's no wonder we couldn't sleep tonight.
To celebrate, we went to a fancy restaurant in town and enjoyed a big plate of calamari and each ordered our own fillet minon. It was delicious. I was so uncomfortable sitting at the table while my feet were filling up with fluid and my back was aching and my belly was getting tight. Sleeping proved to be even more uncomfortable. My body is ready for you to come out and so I hope you are ready too!
I am filled with all kinds of emotions as I write to you and I wish I had more time and energy to explain exactly how I am feeling, but I need to get ready soon to go to one last appointment and then get prepped at the hospital. I am relieved, excited, tired, terrified, nervous, and even a little disappointed that my body couldn't hang on longer. I have prayed for you both all night long and there are many family and friends who are asking God to protect you today. Even some of the nurses who know me heard that you are both coming and they are praying and rooting for you! I cannot wait to meet you later today and see each of your beautiful faces and hold you close. You are going to change your parents' lives so much, starting today. It is your birth day today and we will never forget it. Just think later today I will have you each in my arms and I will just be able to talk right to you and tell you how beautiful and wonderful you each are. Benjamin and Eleanor, I already love you so so much and your Daddy does too. He has been so sweet to your mom and to both of you tonight. I told you he would come around, remember? We are thrilled that God has blessed us with two babies and that we get to meet them on this day that He ordained as your birth! He has already written each and every one of the days of your life and you are fearfully and wonderfully made! We love you and will see you very soon! Be a good boy and girl today! Welcome to this big world of ours and happy first birthday!!!
I love you so much,
Your Very Excited and Anxious Mother
Here are my favorite verses to bless your birth today:
"The Lord bless you, and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance on you,
And give you peace."
Numbers 6:24-26
Psalms 139
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Bed Rest and a Hospital Visit
Hello Babies!
Mommy is typing from her hospital bed at PVH. It is Tuesday morning and I have been here since Sunday night. But let me go back a little further.
A few weeks ago the doctor looked at my cervix and was worried that it was funneling and getting a little bit shorter. This means that you are very heavy babies in your mom's short little body, but that also, you could possibly come early. We want you to stay in and grow big and stron,g so I have had weekly appointments to check on everything. Last Thursday I went in expecting to hear, "Everything looks great. Still no changes in your cervix." But instead my cervix had shortened and the funneling had increased. The doctor said I had to stop working. Luckily I made it back to school after the appointment in time to say a quick goodbye to my third grade students. The doctor said it would be about two weeks of moderate bed rest so I wasn't worried. I told them I'd see them soon.
On Thursday and Friday I was given a steroid shot for your lungs, just in case you happened to arrive early. The steroids would give you a better chance of being able to breathe on your own even though you aren't fully cooked yet. The doctor also prescribed some medicine to help my contractions stop. I took the medicine Thursday and Friday and suddenly felt a tight, hard belly and I couldn't take a deep breathe in. I couldn't get comfortable and I couldn't sleep. On Saturday, I went to a lovely shower with my teacher friends from school. They got you all kinds of wonderful gifts! I came home a little warn out and rested on the couch all afternoon, but still I was getting an off and on tightening in my belly. That night we went out to dinner for your Daddy's birthday. Dinner was delicious, but every 10 minutes or so I was getting the tightening and cramping. I started worrrying I was having contractions and should probably call the doctor. We went home, I took a bath, and I tried to go to bed. I didn't sleep well through my worry or with my tight, uncomfortable belly. I knew you were both fine though, becasue I could feel you moving. Sunday I felt the same: yucky, uncomfortable, and a very heavy, hard belly. I didn't take my medicine and that helped with the breathing. Your Mammy and Pappy came up to help me around the house so I could truly rest. Sunday evening I just felt there was something not right, so I called the doctor and they admitted me to the hospital.
They have run some tests and put me on new medicine and the contractions have all stopped. Daddy was bummmed that he had to spend his birthday in his least favorite place: a hospital. That's okay though. He had an awesome birthday last year and next year you two will be almost a year old celebrating with us! Anyways, it seems like you both are going to stay put for at least a few more weeks which is good, but I am hoping for even longer. You both were very, very wiggly and excited last night. I'm so glad you are still in there and are doing well. We are all going to get extremely uncomfortable in the upcoming weeks but we need to do our best to stay with it. Daddy says St. Patrick's Day or sometime that week before would be perfect for you to come. I think if we all make it to March, you will be fine.
Yesterday a couple down the hall had a set of boy/girl twins. I heard their cries throughout the night and felt comforted. It made me think of you both and the weeks ahead when I will be waking up to feed and comfort you in the night. I can't wait!
They are running a few more tests on my bloodwork today to double check that everything is okay. Your mom really wants to go home and be in her own house with her stuff and her pups. Hang in there...we will all get to meet each other soon enough! I love you both so much and I am getting excited!
Love always,
Your Mommy
Mommy is typing from her hospital bed at PVH. It is Tuesday morning and I have been here since Sunday night. But let me go back a little further.
A few weeks ago the doctor looked at my cervix and was worried that it was funneling and getting a little bit shorter. This means that you are very heavy babies in your mom's short little body, but that also, you could possibly come early. We want you to stay in and grow big and stron,g so I have had weekly appointments to check on everything. Last Thursday I went in expecting to hear, "Everything looks great. Still no changes in your cervix." But instead my cervix had shortened and the funneling had increased. The doctor said I had to stop working. Luckily I made it back to school after the appointment in time to say a quick goodbye to my third grade students. The doctor said it would be about two weeks of moderate bed rest so I wasn't worried. I told them I'd see them soon.
On Thursday and Friday I was given a steroid shot for your lungs, just in case you happened to arrive early. The steroids would give you a better chance of being able to breathe on your own even though you aren't fully cooked yet. The doctor also prescribed some medicine to help my contractions stop. I took the medicine Thursday and Friday and suddenly felt a tight, hard belly and I couldn't take a deep breathe in. I couldn't get comfortable and I couldn't sleep. On Saturday, I went to a lovely shower with my teacher friends from school. They got you all kinds of wonderful gifts! I came home a little warn out and rested on the couch all afternoon, but still I was getting an off and on tightening in my belly. That night we went out to dinner for your Daddy's birthday. Dinner was delicious, but every 10 minutes or so I was getting the tightening and cramping. I started worrrying I was having contractions and should probably call the doctor. We went home, I took a bath, and I tried to go to bed. I didn't sleep well through my worry or with my tight, uncomfortable belly. I knew you were both fine though, becasue I could feel you moving. Sunday I felt the same: yucky, uncomfortable, and a very heavy, hard belly. I didn't take my medicine and that helped with the breathing. Your Mammy and Pappy came up to help me around the house so I could truly rest. Sunday evening I just felt there was something not right, so I called the doctor and they admitted me to the hospital.
They have run some tests and put me on new medicine and the contractions have all stopped. Daddy was bummmed that he had to spend his birthday in his least favorite place: a hospital. That's okay though. He had an awesome birthday last year and next year you two will be almost a year old celebrating with us! Anyways, it seems like you both are going to stay put for at least a few more weeks which is good, but I am hoping for even longer. You both were very, very wiggly and excited last night. I'm so glad you are still in there and are doing well. We are all going to get extremely uncomfortable in the upcoming weeks but we need to do our best to stay with it. Daddy says St. Patrick's Day or sometime that week before would be perfect for you to come. I think if we all make it to March, you will be fine.
Yesterday a couple down the hall had a set of boy/girl twins. I heard their cries throughout the night and felt comforted. It made me think of you both and the weeks ahead when I will be waking up to feed and comfort you in the night. I can't wait!
They are running a few more tests on my bloodwork today to double check that everything is okay. Your mom really wants to go home and be in her own house with her stuff and her pups. Hang in there...we will all get to meet each other soon enough! I love you both so much and I am getting excited!
Love always,
Your Mommy
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