My Sweethearts

Dearest Eleanor and Benjamin,
    You are already more than a week old--11 days to be exact. I can't believe how much has happened already in your short time here. It has been a whirlwind of emotions for your Mama.
     Your birth is a little fuzzy for me, since I was on some heavy medicine and then became very sick after the c-section. I have had to ask your Dad to recall bits and pieces of your birth that I forgot during my state of nausea and drowsiness. Someday I will tell you all the gory details if you really want them and your father has a different perspective as well, but here are the most important parts that I remember.
      When we arrived at the hospital your Dad and I were a little overwhelmed, a little nervous, and very emotional. Would you both be okay even though you were being delivered early? Would you be able to breathe on your own? When would we be able to take you home? How was I going to feel afterwards?  I was also worried about my platelet levels and whether or not I was going to be able to witness your birth. If they were too low, I would be put to sleep while you were born, something that would have been absolutely devastating to me. Luckily the blood work came back about an hour and a half before the surgery was scheduled and the verdict was in: 90,000! Meaning I could be conscious and meet you in the OR for the first time.
      Once everyone was ready and prepped, your Dad waited just outside the OR while I received a spinal, making the lower half of my body completely numb, a very strange experience indeed. While the anesthesiologist worked on getting the spinal placed, the midwife asked if I wanted some music. I suggested Mumford and Sons on Pandora. The music helped me to relax a little bit. I was nervous but was also getting so very excited. Your Dad entered the operating room and quickly they began the procedure behind the blue curtain placed in front of my massive baby-filled belly.
     Your father sat close to my head, holding my hand, waiting for your arrival. The music was soft in the background but one of our favorite songs, "Ho Hey," came on just in time for your birth. Benjamin, you were the first. The doctors and nurses called out: "Baby A is out"...they held you up over the curtain for us to see and you cried out, your throat gurgling still with fluid. Immediately your Dad and I were brought to tears. A minute later we heard, "Baby B," and then we saw you Eleanor, with your arms and legs all sprawled out, your frowning face trying to cry, but only tiny squeals  coming out. Daddy left my side for a bit to be with each of you and then returned. Benjamin, you pinked right up and were cleaned, bundled and later brought to us. Your Daddy held you near Mommy's head. My arms were spread out on the table with blankets on top of them and I remember feeling very frustrated that I couldn't hold you myself or touch your sweet face. I kissed your cheek as more tears ran down mine. The nurses reported that our little girl wasn't "pinking up" quite as much as her big brother. In fact, you were a little bit purple. They couldn't bring you over to meet me because you were needing some oxygen. They would wheel you past me so I could see you and then bring you to the nursery. You were in a warming bed and had an oxygen mask. I didn't get a good look at you and was disappointed. Daddy followed you with Benjamin in his arms as the nurses and doctors walked with you to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, otherwise known as the NICU. Mommy was stitched up after losing about a liter of blood and getting extremely light headed. In the recovery room I was very nauseous and even threw up a few times.
      You were born at 12:40 and 12:41 in the afternoon, but I didn't really get to be with you until the evening. I was so anxious to see you both, but also nervous for the tubes and cords you were probably hooked up to. I was first wheeled down to the NICU in my hospital bed because the spinal was still wearing off in my legs. It was probably a good thing that I was a little drugged up from the pain meds, because looking back at pictures pains me. Eleanor, you had tape all over your face with breathing tubes and IVs in your hand and belly. Benjamin, you looked far better, simply due to the fact that there weren't as many cords and things hooked to your body and face. I remember crying as I touched each of your arms and heads from my bedside. I couldn't bend over and kiss you. I couldn't pick you up and hold you or nuzzle you to my chest. I was overjoyed at the birth of my beautiful children, but then saddened by the fact that I didn't feel like much of a Mommy yet. Luckily the pain medicine made me extremely drowsy and allowed me to sleep through the night.
     Fast forward a week and half and here we are. You are almost 12 days old and you are both making progress. Benjamin, you graduated off of the dopamine that was regulating your blood pressure and you are feeding well. Eleanor, you have just the tiniest bit of oxygen supporting your breathing and you are starting to get the hang of nursing as well. You are both off the IVs that used to provide you with glucose and protein and you have worked the bilirubin (jaundice) out of your systems as well. You each have NG tubes that we feed you with when you are too tired to nurse or take a bottle. You are both alternating bottle feeds, breast feeding, and feeding through your tubes. The goal is to get you feeding by mouth and consistently gaining weight. Once you can do that, you will be able to come home.
    Although I knew it was possible that you would be born early, I never really expected it. I didn't plan on you staying long in the NICU either. I also thought I could handle it better than I have. I have been up and down since your birth, some days appreciating the fact that I am not fully responsible yet for your care, and other days devastated that you are not at home with me to snuggle and kiss. Each day your Dad and I go back and forth to the NICU to feed you, change you, and hold you. The last few days have been extremely difficult for me and I cry just about every time I leave you or when I get home. I get up in the middle of the night and I think of you both. Your sweet faces, your tiny fingers, your dark soft hair, your little noises. I long for you desperately to be with me.
    My heart has been completely filled with love, overflowing actually. I love you each so much that it hurts. I always knew I would. This was what I was afraid of. This is why I put off having children. I knew it would require strength, sacrifice, and a love so great that it was painful. You may not understand this now, but you will someday when you too have your own children.
   I pray all day long that you will grow big and strong and that you will learn how to eat enough to sustain and gain weight. I pray each day that you can come home. But for now, I must wait. It is time for me to go get some rest so I can wake up and be ready to see you again. I miss you each so much and I cannot stand this separation we must endure for now. I hope you are both doing well in your little beds knowing that your Mommy is thinking of you and wishing she was right by your side every moment of every day. I love you more than you know, Eleanor and Benjamin. I'll leave you with some of the lyrics of "Ho Hey," the song that was playing when you were born. Goodnight for now my sweethearts.
 
Love,
Your Mommy

I’ve been trying to do it right
I’ve been living a lonely life
I’ve been sleeping here instead
I’ve been sleeping in my bed,
I’ve been sleeping in my bed

So show me family
All the blood that I will bleed
I dunno where I belong
I dunno where I went wrong,
But I can write a song

I belong with you, you belong with me
You’re my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me
You’re my sweet

 Benjamin Morris 4 lbs, 4oz                                            Eleanor Sydell 4 lbs, 14 oz