Hey BE,
Six months. Just like that. Pretty hard to grasp.
Everyone said it would be like this and I knew it would, but it makes me sad that they were right. I tried so so hard to savor it all, to remember every little bit, to hold on to each moment so I wouldn't forget. But I am already forgetting...
I know now what other parents of twins meant when they would say that the beginning would all be a blur. I believed them and it was exactly that: a blur. I just didn't expect "the beginning" to mean the first six months (or perhaps even longer). I know that every new parent must survive several weeks or even a few months of sleep-deprived busy baby care that ends up feeling like a whirlwind but not six months. But here I am just finally coming up for air, finally able to keep my head above water long enough to take a big full breath.
At the beginning of the summer I was finishing up teaching for the school year, we took a wonderful trip to California, and you were stretching your sleeping at night. I thought we were going to have the best summer. I thought you were going to sleep through the night. I thought everything was going to get easier. Then June was here and I was caring for you all by myself. Your grandma wasn't staying here anymore since I was no longer working and your Dad got busy with work. Suddenly I found myself all alone trying to keep you on a schedule and manage the house and two dogs. You were no longer newborns and you were awake more and sleeping less and needing a lot more of me entertaining you. Then things got really crazy.
Some days you were on complete opposite schedules and Mommy never got a break. Other days you were both sleeping well but then you would just eat and eat and eat. You started waking up at night...and at DIFFERENT times...and way more than once. Eleanor, you had been sleeping through the night and now you were waking up around 2 am playing while Benjamin, you woke up 3 to 4 times crying and crying about who knows what. Sometimes I was pumping, holding a baby, and holding a bottle for another baby. And at least two out of three of us were crying. I was exhausted. Being up all night and then having no naps or real breaks during the day quickly took its toll on me. I read the books. I tried plenty of things. They didn't work. I fell apart.
I found myself unhappy, resentful, and so very tired.
My milk supply kept decreasing. I was trying to figure out the best way to feed you and would work on breast feeding here and there but I was a slave to the pump. I would spend 30-45 minutes pumping when you were finally sleeping or while you were watching a Baby Einstein's or sometimes through more crying. And less and less was pumping out. I couldn't keep up with the housework or the bottle cleaning or with you for that matter while spending all this time pumping my brains out. My stress levels rose and my milk supply tanked. It just wasn't working. It was making us all crazy. Soon my freezer supply was completely out. I was devastated. I did not want to use formula. I did not want to give up.
There was lots of crying. You would both cry off and on from being tired, from waiting on each other to be fed, from not being able to be held, from being hungry. And Mama was crying too. Crying a lot. I felt so bad for having to make you wait and for all your crying. Oh, there were so many tears.
I found myself thinking..."If only you were born a few years apart..." "If only I had one baby..." "How easy everyone else has it..nobody knows what I am going through." "If only you would breastfeed..." "If only my milk supply was better..." "If only I didn't have to pump for so long..." "If only you would sleep...or take naps...or stop crying...." "If only I had four arms...." IF ONLY, IF ONLY, IF ONLY...
The first week of school came and it was one of our worst weeks ever. It was my first week not teaching. We were stuck in the house because it was SUPER hot out, you were both cranky and hungry, and there wasn't enough milk, and there wasn't enough sleep, and there wasn't enough happiness. I became very sad and I wondered..."Should I really be home? Should I be working right now? Would someone else be handling this better?" Well then what came next? Guilt...self-loathing...despair...Flashing red lights blinking the word "FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE!"
Something had to give. Either I need more sleep or less stress or help or something, but it had to change. This is NOT the kind of Mom I was supposed to be. I was so anxious and upset that I think I made you upset also.
So I prayed. I asked the Lord for strength, wisdom, appreciation, sleep, etc. And the answer came. Everyone around me told me to just STOP. The Lord asked me to trust Him. To let it go. To stop trying to control things I couldn't control like your sleep patterns and my milk supply. So after struggling and being stubborn for way too long, I decided to just STOP. I would stop complaining. I would stop wishing for something different. I would stop feeling sorry for myself. I would stop pumping so much. I would stop worrying. I would stop being stuck at home. I would stop dreaming about a perfectly clean house. I would stop looking backwards and missing when you were little or when you would sleep all day. I would stop looking forwards and wishing for you to sit and play or to sleep through the night. I would stop right here. I would stop at NOW and TODAY and ENJOY you both! I had said enough times how unfair and hard this all was. This is where it got me: at six months and not remembering all the wonderful things I had enjoyed about my children. I had to stop this nonsense or I might miss everything.
So yeah, there might be days where there is dog hair EVERYWHERE because I didn't get to vacuum for the second week in a row. And sometimes there are going to be dishes piled in the sink driving me BONKERS because one of you started crying while I was trying to clean them. And so what? I may have to give you a little bit of formula here and there because I can't keep up with my little piggies. Big deal. And there are going to be days where we aren't on a perfect schedule, or even a schedule at all. There will be interrupted naps and long bouts of crying and busy baby care that feels completely ridiculous at times, but that's okay. Life will go on...In fact it will go much more quickly than we would like it to go.
I have been here, present with you every day for the last six months and yet I don't know how we got here. It's like when you are driving somewhere and you get lost in thought and then you see a stop sign and realize "How did I get here?" You don't remember the last few miles. Your eyes were open and you were watching the road the whole time but you didn't see any of it. That is how I feel now. I don't remember big chunks of our time together. I have just been surviving the day to day, in the trenches of motherhood. But that is an awful way to describe to my children the beginning of their lives...or to describe motherhood to anyone for that matter. I don't want to simply survive the day to day. I want to enjoy you both. Savor you. Drink in every little sound and smile and milestone met. Remember every little bit of you each. I don't know yet if you will be my only children, but I might never get this time again and I definitely won't ever have it again with YOU. I don't want to waste any more time. I don't want to get to any more stop signs and realize that I haven't seen the last few miles.
Benjamin and Eleanor, I love you so incredibly much. It amazes me how this love just keeps digging deeper and deeper into my core and expands my soul. You both are truly a blessing and since I stopped freaking out about all these silly things that really don't matter, we've all been a lot happier.
And guess what? You are sleeping better at night. You are taking wonderful two hour naps. You are not crying much during the day or at all when it's time for bed. You are breastfeeding. My supply is up! The dog hair has been swept up! The dishes are put away. You are fun and smiley and silly and we are having a blast!
So here is my first official apology and my first big lesson to teach you. I am so sorry for missing what was important some days. I am sorry for trying too hard to figure it all out. I am sorry for not letting things go that I could not control. I am sorry if you were sad or unhappy because I was sad or unhappy. I promise to stop worrying so much about the future and to let go of my mistakes in the past. We will stop right here and just be HERE. TODAY. And today I am filled with so much love and so much joy because of each of you. You are scrumptious in every way. Your smiles light up my whole day and your little voices make my heart flutter. I really am so very blessed and I am so in love and nothing else really matters. Remember dear children to be present. When you are grown up, don't forget to stop, to take it all in. Don't miss out on what is right in front of you. Don't ignore the lessons God is teaching you at that moment. See what matters and focus on that the most.
Now I wish I could make you stop. Keep you as your little sixth month selves forever. I will have to tell you all about the great things you are doing this month in another letter because I really must get to bed. I will see you soon, probably in the middle of the night or the early morning. And I will be happy to see you, right here, exactly where you are.
Love you,
Mom
