Yes-that's plural-babIES! We were shocked to find out last Thursday (on 10-11-12) that there is not one baby inside my belly, but TWO! This whole time I have been writing to two babies, yet I didn't know it! I guess I am going to have to change the whole title of this blog even! And pretty soon, I will have to start writing you separate, individual letters.
So there we were sitting in the ultrasound room, waiting anxiously to know if there was something wrong, if there was more than one baby, or if I was just one large pregnant lady with one big baby in my belly. But sure enough, two circles appeared on the screen--your two heads side by side! We were shocked, excited, and overwhelmed all at the same time. I immediately began to cry with relief, that there wasn't anything wrong after several days of worrying. But there were also fearful tears because I wasn't sure if I could be a good enough Mama to two babies at the same time. Some big questions flooded my mind: How will we afford two children when we aren't really financially ready for one? What is going to happen to my body in the next few months? When will you both be here? Are you going to be okay? Will you need special care in the NICU? Are you fraternal or identical? Are you boys, girls, or one of each? Why has God chosen me to carry two? And the list goes on and on and on...
I go back to the feelings and emotions I experienced when first finding out that I was pregnant. They all came rushing back, but in an amplified version. I was happy and sad at the same time, in fact I was laughing while crying, probably appearing to be some kind of crazy to our ultrasound tech. I was elated but terrified of this unknown territory we were now entering. And I was simply amazed. I had asked the Lord to provide me with a baby. I had worried that He would not. I had wondered if my body would work when we tried to conceive. I had questioned whether or not I deserved to be a mother. And here, now, my prayers had been answered in such a BIG, BIG way. It was as if the Lord had wanted to get across to me, "Hey Stef? What do you think now? You still worried? You still think I won't provide? Do you still wonder if I was listening to your prayers? Well, check this out!" I couldn't help but be fearful, but I had to keep in mind how special and wonderful this all was. You two are little miracles.
Your Dad and I were in such awe that we had to let it sink in before we called everyone else. We went out to celebrate, me with a hot cocoa and your father with a good beer. We were going to try to keep this news a surprise for a bit, but we just couldn't contain ourselves. Our family was super excited to hear about you. They had been waiting for us to have a child for a long time and now they had twice the blessings! I went to work the next day and showed our sonogram to everyone at my school. My coworkers laughed, screamed, and even cried with joy for me. And you are a legend with all the students for sure.
Friday was a really fun day.
Then reality hit.
Saturday came and I felt tired and emotional.
Sunday came and it got worse.
I had a super busy week ahead at work and we had spent a lot of time with family who had opinions, ideas, and lots of emotions too. By Sunday, I had let all my fears and doubts take over and I was a wreck.
Thankfully, after many tears and many prayers, I snapped out of it. I needed to rely on my Maker, my Father, my God. He had faithfully answered my prayers and then some. He had allowed you two to develop and grow into two healthy babies in my womb. He had protected you and protected me for all of this time. He will provide us the financial means necessary to care for you. He will give us the emotional capacity to be strong parents. And He will take care of all of us. I know that this is a test for your mother and your father to truly trust in the Lord and look only to Him alone for our needs.
Now, I feel so honored that I was chosen to be your mother. I don't feel adequate or ready or deserving, which is why I also feel so very special. Some women never get to carry their own children. Some women lose the ones they conceive. And some women only get to have one. I have two. Some women sit in sorrow asking, "Why? Why me?" I sit in amazement and gratitude also asking "Why? Why me?"
Why would the Lord allow me to be blessed by two wonderful miracles? I don't know the answer to that yet, but I feel so very loved by Him and I am so very blessed. I have every reason to trust the Lord with you. If fact, you are not truly mine or your father's. You are the Lord's and He is simply entrusting us with the job of raising and caring for you. And I am honored. I love you--both of you--so much already.
Love,
Your Proud Mama
